Written by Sammy El Dabba
About me
Hi, I am Sammy and I am currently a third-year undergraduate. I began my journey by working within the NHS in psychiatry and substance misuse teams before recently becoming a paralegal.
Although always being seemingly ‘outgoing’ and confident in speaking to people, entering into my third year of undergraduate study this year and beginning to work as a paralegal has required me to adapt and integrate into the world of legal practice. My experience of doing so, and being an aspiring lawyer myself, has been a particularly insightful experience.
Introduction
From the outside looking in, people may assume that lawyers are the embodiment of charismatic depictions seen in television dramas. However, from the inside looking out, aspiring lawyers often feel uncomfortable with the expectation to have sophisticated interpersonal skills that allow us to communicate with experts in the industry. In this guide, I will share my experiences of developing interpersonal skills and offer three rules of thumb for developing these skills.
People can’t help but communicate
While working with challenging patients in a hospital setting, I quickly learned that we constantly communicate through every action or lack thereof. It is obviously impossible to learn the intricacies of body language without committed study, however, we often subconsciously apply and tailor our non-verbal interactions based on our situational awareness. For example, we can mirror each other’s body language, sit forward to look interested and maintain eye contact to expand the range of people we can actively conversate with.
An entertaining example of how I learnt this the hard way came when I first began busking and playing music in a small Welsh village local to me, called Llangollen. Llangollen is stereotypically filled with an older demographic of tourists and other locals. My selection of modern Indie songs resembling a Saturday night pub playlist was, to say the least, a misreading of the room. Adapting my set list to classics from Ben E King and Bob Dylan quickly saw an uptake in my days, but it was worth it as I subsequently repeated the songs I had learnt to the delight of local shop owners. The moral of this story is that adapting our interactions to fit different situations, whilst balancing the quirks of our personalities (in my case humour), is something that we should approach with caution.
Appreciating our nuances
My multicultural upbringing helped me to develop a general awareness of various cultural norms. However, a recent insight evening brought up an interesting point I had not considered before, namely, that the norm of ‘speaking when spoken to’ in some cultures makes it challenging for some people to initiate conversations. To elaborate, I had only considered this point by actively asking questions and being genuinely interested in learning as much as I can about the people I am around. Our backgrounds and experiences impact how we view the world and subsequently contribute to it. This is something that law firms increasingly appreciate and celebrate. It may be useful for those concerned about integrating into cultural environments, especially when different to their own, to take advantage of groups on social media platforms that look to offer support to such demographics as LGBT+ people and aspiring lawyers belonging to various religious beliefs.
Weighing up the balancing act
It would be unrealistic and undesirable to change our authentic personalities into something we are not in order to fit a certain narrative. It seems more logical to tailor and deploy our true personalities in strategic ways that meet professional goals. Law firms increasingly point out that they ‘see through’ candidates who are simply trying to fit the mould. This highlights the importance of the ‘stay true to yourself’ strategy.
It would be naïve to say that somebody with a slightly more reserved or ‘introverted’ personality cannot be uniquely interpersonal. I have always found that saying less can often say much more. It can often be powerful to contribute to discussions in a concise and powerful way, involving others and actively listening to contributions. The limited accounts everyone gives in tasks such as often dreaded ‘icebreaker’ questions about favourite pets and books could be seen as a prime example of the power of feeling comfortable. From my personal experience, involving each other and creating a supportive network of genuine interest serves as a great lever to open up and show your authentic self.
The thoughtful nature of ‘introverts’ may well have the effect of composing everyone in a group setting, particularly in high pressured situations. When I worked within the NHS under an excellent consultant who had been practising for twice as long as I had been alive, I evidenced first-hand the benefits of having an ‘introvert’ in a team. That calming presence and a few lines of instruction calmly directed the entirety of the team and, personally, stopped my natural panic. The ‘introverts’ that are not experts with a lifetime of experience are still in a strong position to excel as part of a team as they tend to give well-structured and thoroughly considered answers, which can significantly aid the team.
For ‘extroverts’, the balancing act is tipped in another direction. Naturally, having the ‘gift of the gab’ is something that can easily be overbearing and unproductive to a discussion. To combat this, I am always trying to use my personality to progress discussions by actively asking the thoughts of others around me. It is an obvious, yet often overlooked, point that creates professional rapport and inevitably aids the productivity of a group as conversations become more engaging and collaborative. Although many of us have experienced first-hand the benefits of platforms like LinkedIn that encourage us to ‘put ourselves out there’ and ask for help, support and guidance, behind a screen is admittedly a very different experience from doing so in front of a group of strangers. This leads to the next point of this guide.
Developing that allusive confidence
Although not conclusive, the well accounted for selection of drinks provided at professional social events arguably indicates that even for people within the profession, socialising with strangers is not the most natural or unchallenging task. It shows that interaction with others can be challenging and can make us doubt ourselves. Those natural anxieties are often met with the self-criticism of ‘why isn’t anyone else like this’ when, in reality, the whole room could be reciting the same frustration. Appreciating that confident interaction is a skill that, like any other, needs time to develop can often make us rightfully more patient and forgiving of finding a challenging scenario difficult.
I have always thought that the ‘fake it till you make it’ style of interaction is one that is built on disingenuousness and is draining to uphold. Instead of attempting to convince myself that I am the best in the room, I instead rely on the assurances I can grant myself and believe in. Namely, I know I am polite, I know that I am interested and I can progress the discussion with valuable contributions, unique to me, and I am proud of my ability to ask questions. By concentrating on facts and mentally evidencing this based on previous experiences I often find myself settling into a confidence that helps me in various scenarios.
Patience as a virtue
For a variety of reasons out of our control, it can often be frustrating when we are unable to articulate ourselves in conversations the way we would like. In both physical and metaphorical sense, being patient with ourselves can provide some degree of solution. When you are in new environments with new people, slowing down the pace of how you present yourself in conversations can give a disarming effect that calms the nerves we often have.
In the latter sense, being patient with our development and appreciating that interpersonal skills are complex, multifaceted and intricate area to develop led me to take off the pressure of myself to be perfect straight away. It seems to me that as emotional intelligence is something we all possess to some degree and can develop, we do not appreciate its complexities.
Conclusion
As a younger person, I found myself trying desperately to mould myself into what I thought a lawyer should be. The valuable lesson that ‘you do not need to know what is wrong if you know something is not right’ led me to reflect on the features of my personality in an honest but non-deprecating way. This approach brought about a series of realisations that helped me greatly.
Our experiences always have and always will shape the way our soft skills develop, although in the way of this is often a series of concerns about the daunting prospect of stepping into an alien world of preconceived misconceptions. Although seemingly obvious, addressing and developing these soft skills requires us to be honest with ourselves and treat with genuine insight the development of these soft skills, with the patience and attention they require.
I have personally found that being genuine and going into interactions with a sense of acceptance for who you are and the unique combination of experiences you have, can act as a platform for growth, which ultimately helps us to present the best version of ourselves.
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